The backing fabric I used is a wide back cotton I have on hand that mimics an old newspaper. The messages that popped out to me this weekend pierced an arrow through my heart.
'And the day came to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom' ~ Anais Nin.
Isn't this the truth ...... thank you for the life lesson Mr. Placemat.
I quit my job this week!
I bet you didn't see that one coming ....
And just like that, I feel free.
Free of an invisible chain.
Now ...dear friends and patients ... I doubt much will change for my physically, but in my heart I am free! I have officially resigned from my position with the health authority. It has become too tight in the bud - more painful to stay than to bloom.
If you didn't know what was happening ... I have been 'on loan' to the local college for the past year and a half. Myself and another nurse were working on secondment to teach a nursing program. Basically, the hospital loaned us to the college to help prepare a gaggle of new nurses.The college paid the hospital and the hospital paid us. The greater good comes from going without two staff members in order to train 10 new ones. Pretty good pay off for the hospital, even though at times they ran short. Our nursing program has been very successful and the decision was made to make Flin Flon a permanent home for the nursing program.
I was asked to come on permanently last week and accepted. This means I had to cut ties with the hospital, which was scary.
I know it was the right decision, but scary all the same. I am taking a very big pay cut and a cut in hours. I was top of the union pole and am now at the whim of my students when I get holidays ...but, I know in my heart this was the best thing for me. For my health, my family. My soul.
I knew my resignation would come 3 years ago when a senior manager waved his hand in my face and told me if I don't like here, they were hiring elsewhere ... I had a very trying day in the clinic with multiple, chronically ill patients who were all taking narcotics and sleeping pills. Every single person I saw that day, had a drug dependence. I was exasperated and sad. Me and another NP were discussing our day in the hall, trying to piece together a plan to help our community when we were stopped cold. We were told to keep writing prescriptions; that if we didn't do it, someone else would. We were told that if if we didn't like it to go somewhere else. She did. I stayed.
I stayed on and went home in tears nearly every day after. To be clear, I was not complaining about my job. I was not actually even speaking to that particular director. "If you don't like it, go somewhere else." Well, then.... OK ....there was more of course. Things I can't speak of here or out loud at all. Things that sting my heart. It is difficult to unbutter toast.
The January before Darby came to us, we were attacked by a patient. We had been terrorised and threatened by this man for months. Yelling, throwing things, threatening more ... Things like this happen, as odd and awful as that sounds. The event rattled me in a way I can't really describe.
I was afraid to drive home that night. I couldn't sleep until I knew he was arrested.
What rattled me more was the blame. How the bigwigs pointed fingers at all of us ... girls ... women going about their day to day business helping others ... how they turned the situation around to make it seem like we asked for it, didn't do something right with him to make him snap ... how I dropped the ball with his care.
Bad people do bad things all the time. There was no blame to anyone but him ... but ....
I was really done then ....
I hope to stay on casual, once a week ... I will still see my patients and collect a paycheck from the clinic, but more on my terms and schedule. The biggest change is the invisible chain that is cut. Since starting at the college, I have balance. I have time to enjoy my little girl. To quilt, bake bread, read murder mysteries and workout. More time to play with Lucey my long arm.
I have time to sit in the quiet. I have time and energy to breathe .... I have time to spend with my Papa. We were sure we would lose him last month and joyful to be able to celebrate another birthday with him. It was his 85th cake day yesterday.
Don't say yes when your heart says no
I have cut other tethers this month as well. Symbolic chains ... I put my fitbit in a drawer and donated my scale to goodwill. Good riddance. I discontinued all of my subscriptions and unsubscribed from as many newsletter and organisations as I could. I put my WW food tracker away and let go of my quilting planner. Imaginary chains all of them.
What dear friends, does any of this post have to do with quilting?!
Nothing, and everything.
It has taken me a long time to stand up and be honest to say what I 'want' to do, instead of what I 'should' do. I have been afraid to let people down my whole life and it was only me that suffered. I always chose the hardest path, reached for the highest apple and tried to people please everyone along the way. I made baby quilts for people I didn't know or like because it was 'expected' that I do it ... though it broke my heart with each stitch. I stayed up to all hours of the morning sewing or baking in order to give 'the perfect handmade gift' because God knows that store bought just wouldn't do ...
Happy Valentine's Day to a healing heart.